The Da Bush Code

It's sunday. I woke up at 11 o'clock and I went shopping at the local open-air food market. Paris is divided into 20 sections. We call them "arrondissements". I live in the biggest one, in the western part of the city. I live in an old building. I just have to walk for five minutes and I find myself into one of the oldest streets in Paris, where the food market is. You can buy fresh fruits and vegetables, meat, wine and every kind of cheese. As we are on sunday, I bought "croissants", eggs to do crumbled eggs (for 2 people, take 5 to 6 eggs, put them in a casserole and miw them with a spoon, add some butter - little, maybe 0,9 ounce -, then turn the heat on, keep it low, all the time turning the eggs and butter with the spoon, when it's start to crumble, take it off the fire, keep on turning it with the spoon until it's done and serve it), oranges to do orange juice and parma ham to eat with the crumbled eggs.

I wonder what a typical sunday of an american Republican is. Maybe he wakes up early, so that he wouldn't be late at church. Democrats must know that they'll go to hell anyway. I guess they don't mind being late at church. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they often don't even bother to go to church. Republicans, for their part, have doubts. They're worried. Will I qualify for paradise ? Will it look like Texas ? Will they allow me to keep my gun over there ? Surely they can't let me going there naked...

Your President says that he acts on God's will. There are more than 6 billion people on earth. Of all these people, I wonder why would God choose to talk to George W. Bush ? Why ? I mean, seriously, if you could spend the night with just anybody on earth, would you choose to do it with George W. Bush ? Wouldn't you be willing to spend time - say - with Nicole Kidman or Brad Pitt instead ? Nicole Kidman as in Stanley Kubrick's "Eyes wide shut", when she's both stoned and with very little clothes on ? Brad Pitt dressed as a in Wolfgang Petersen's "Troy", with his skirt on and his muscular arms ? Seriously ? And would you ask George W. Bush to do something as silly as going to war with another country so that his father and his father's friends can make even more money than they already do ? No. So why would God do so ? Republicans don't know what we know. God is a French woman. And that's why we stay at home on Sundays.

If, by any chance, God is reading my blog, I have an additionnal request for him. Could you please talk to Dan Brown about his "Da Vinci code" ? Could you ask him to stop sending to France thousands of american tourists who keep asking us the strangest questions, such as : ''Is this church's floor really made of 666 stones ? What ? You mean you didn't count them ?"
On the other hand, it's good to know that a book can have so much influence on people that they absolutely want to know if they're told the truth. You should publish a "Da Bush Code" !

See you soon at the White House ! Goodbye America !

Buddah Chicken

Here's a recipe I like for its exotic touch. I know you're still digesting that turkey you had for Thanksgiving. But maybe you can try that one for Christmas.
Needless to say, I doubt that Buddha ever ate Buddha Chicken, although he looks fat and happy, two main characteristics of Buddha Chicken eaters.

For 4 people, you'll need : 1 big chicken, 3 green lemons, 1 garlic clove, 1 cup of dried mixed "mie de pain" (soft interior of bread), 3 big spoons of rhum (brown rhum), 1 little spoon of sugar (very little), salt, pepper, nutmeg, 4 bananas, 50 g (should be 1,8 ounce) of melted butter, 3 big spoons of white oil.

Put in a pan : 1 and 1/2 spoon of white oil, 25 g (0,9 ounce) of melted butter, half of the garlic clove and the dried mixed "mie de pain". When the ingredients have turned to a golden color, take the pan off the stove.

Take off the garlic and throw it away. Add the peel of a green lemon, 1 big spoon of green lemon's juice, 1 big spoon and 1/2 of rhum, a pinch of salt, a pinch of pepper, a pinch of nutmeg, 1 small spoon of sugar. Cut the bananas in small dices. Then put the banana dices into the pan with the other ingredients. Mix all the ingredients with a spoon. It will look messy.

Now take the chicken. Empty it if it has not been already done. Throw away the heart and liver. Use your hands to cover the chicken's skin first with 25 g (O,9 ounce) of melted butter, then with 1 and 1/2 spoon of white oil. If you don't feel like doing it with your hands, ask your children to do it, if you have any. They will love to do it - at least if they are little. It's necessary to do that if you want to have a tender, juicy chicken. The grease actually prevent the water from leaving the chicken. That's an easy way to avoid ending up eating a dry chicken when you cook it in the oven.

When it's done, put the ingredients that are in the pan and stuff them into the chicken. Use your hands. But don't let the children do it this time. Then "close" the chicken with a green lemon. Simply put the lemon into the chicken's butt (excuse my french), so that "la farce" (the stuffing) doesn't spread out of "le poulet" (the chicken).

Take a huge boiler. Take the half of the garlic clove you didn't use and rub the inside of the boiler with it. Then do the same thing with the half of a green lemon. You can put a cup of chicken soup into it if you want to have more sauce at the end. But it's not mandatory.

Put the stuffed chicken into the boiler, then put the boiler into the oven. Let it cook at a pretty high temperature for about 1h40. Keep an eye on it, check it, see that all the parts of the chicken have the same color. Maybe 2 hours will be necessary, depending on the quality of your oven.

When it's done, take the boiler out of the oven. Put it very quickly on a table.
Take 1 big spoon and 1/2 of rhum, throw it on the chicken. Light it with a match. Let it burn. Act quickly. The chicken must still be very hot, otherwise the rhum won't burn that well. We burn the rhum so that the alcohol it contains is destroyed but the taste of it is still there. The very best is to quickly bring the chicken - still in the boiler - to the dinner table and to "light" it there. Your guest will be so impressed they may even applaud you.
It's done ! Serve it with rice and red wine. And tell me what you thought of it.

See you soon ! Goodbye America !

Give it to the Canadians !

I had forgotten all about it. Then I saw this documentary on our cultural channel - one of our six national networks, called Arte (a french-german state-owned company). The Statue of Liberty, this very symbol of the american culture... This monument is French ! Not only is it french, but we gave it to you, free of charge, in 1884. We are so dumb. We could have charged you billions of dollars for the use you made of it. We would be insanely rich ! And don't tell me that one shouldn't use this symbol for such a low purpose as making money. After all, you are the ones who reelected that diminished half-witted pretzel-eater who invaded Iraq because his SUV had run out of gas.

"Hey, honey, I can't start the Suzuky ! I guess it has run out of gas again ! - Again ? Darling, why don't you call George W. Bush and tell him to invade another one of those thirld-world countries ! It's so convenient !"

Ok, I know what you Democrats will say. We can't give you back the Statue of Liberty. It would be like giving up our own freedom. The Republicans won't say that. They will ask us to name a price first : "How much ? That low ? Come on, it's not like it's worth anything, being made only of copper and stuff. Besides, it has been made by a French guy. But it does have sentimental value..."

No, you can't give it back to us. We are not worth it. We ourselves attacked a thirld-world country a few weeks ago. Didn't you hear the news ? Our army was sent to Ivory Coast. Note to the Republicans : Ivory Coast is in Africa. Contrary to what George W. Bush once said, Africa is not a "country", it's a continent. Go to Brooklyn, then to the east, then head deep south, then to the west. It's there.

Not only did we dispatch our troops in Ivory Coast, but we achieved a major military victory ! In one single, daring attack, we destroyed the whole Ivory Coast's air force ! The medias went crazy about it. "Today, our army destroyed the whole Ivory Coast's air force !". That's what they said on TV. Only, they forgot to say that the "whole Ivory Coast's air force" was made of... two planes and three helicopters ! Next time, we're planning to destroy the "whole Switzerland's navy" ! Note to the Republicans : this is a joke. Look at the map (not the US map, the other one).

We sent our troops in Ivory Coast because, somehow, the black people there got tired of us ruling their country, choosing their presidents and exploiting their natural ressources. So they started to attack our fellow citizens that live in Ivory Coast.

No, we don't deserve the Statue of Liberty. So, that leaves you with only one thing to do. I think that's the best choice you can make. Give it to the Canadians !

See you soon in Canada ! Goodbye America !

The man who wanted to be President

Yesterday evening, I had a few friends for dinner. We drank some red wine. I had made a Bouddah Chicken. I will explain later what a Bouddah Chicken is. And then, I don't know how it happened, but we were asking ourselves : "who is the worse President" ? Our President, Jacques Chirac, or your President, George W. Bush ? We discussed it at length, but we couldn't say. We then decided to migrate to Canada as soon as possible.

Our President is a tall, lean, dark haired man with a friendly smile. He looks a little bit like Cary Grant. You can never really take Cary Grant seriously. He always seems to be there by accident. So does our President. When he was first elected, in 1995, we didn't know what he was up to. We are in 2004 and we still don't know. He doesn't seem to know either. This is all very embarrassing.

He's a conservative. He's replacing all of our highly unefficient state owned monopolies by equally unefficient but more expensive private monopolies. But our Democrats had started to do this long before him. He loves Corona beer. He loves women. He had so many of them that we lost count. Not that we care.

For a while, he pretended to have strong moral values. But he stopped doing that after one of his close collaborators was caught by the police with a female prostitute aged 17 in his car. The guy said that he had mistaken the girl for a hitchhiker.
"There was this girl walking on the side of the road at 4 o'clock in the morning, in the middle of a street full of prostitutes, wearing the tiniest skirt you've ever seen. So I thought I'd better pick her up before she got into trouble. This was humanitarian !"
Needless to say, nobody believed him. He resigned. He's now producing reality TV shows. No kidding.

Apparently, our Democrats don't want to run the country anymore. So they don't bother to come up with a decent candidate. I guess you know what I mean. For all we know, our actual President will be replaced at the next election, in 2007, by another conservative, a little agressive man named Nicolas Sarkozy. This time we know what the guys wants : he wants to be President.

See you soon in Canada ! Goodbye America !

The French Phenom

When I came back from Italy and read the newspaper, I learned that there was indeed a war going on between our two countries. Not a real war, of course. We have what you call "weapons of mass destruction" and since these weapons do exist, we are confident that George W. Bush and his friends won't try to find them.

No, the war I read about in my "canard" ("un canard" means "a duck", a "duck" being the french familiar word for "newspaper") is of a different kind. There's a wrestling war going on, between René Duprée, the "French Phenom", and the american wrestlers.

It seems that whenever René enters the stage, he carries with him both a french flag and a... french poodle ! The french poodle being named "Fifi". Now, I must protest. In France, nobody owns "French poodles" anymore, except the very old ladies. These dogs are absolutely useless in a fight. Drop them on a battlefield, they would run for cover. And, boy, they are so ugly ! I don't know what the "French" stands for in "French poodle" . Aren't there any "American poodles" ?

In addition to that, it seems that whenever René fights an american wrestler, he loses. And the spectators enjoy to see him loosing. They want more. They want him to lose again ! At the end of each fight, it seems that the american wrestlers who beat the unfortunate René have the revolting habit to wipe their asses with our national flag and trample on it, with both feet ! That's right. They wipe their asses with our flag, then trample on it. And the spectators encourage them. Now, I don't say that we don't trample on our flag from times to times, when we get angry against our governement or whatever. But it's our flag ! We can do whatever we want with it !

I was really sad about all that, until I learned, at the end of the article, who René Duprée really was. The "French phenom" is no more French that George W. Bush is Iraqi. He's a Canadian ! That's right ! René comes from Canada ! That's where all the Democrats go. No wonder he gets beaten all the time ! I must say I admire René. I myself wouldn't dare to go to an american wrestling championship carrying a French flag. So, Go René ! France stands behind you !

Support René Duprée, the "French Phenom", log on his website : http://renedupree.cjb.net

See you soon ! Goodbye America !

An evening in Milano

I just came back from Milano (Milan). This is not my first trip there and I start to like even the way the Milanese drive - as fast as they can and who cares about the silly traffic signs ? -, and the graffitis that cover nearly every wall in town - "Fire the White House" being one of the most popular at the moment.

It's nice to be sitting in a restaurant - restaurants are especially cheap in Milano -, drinking some white wine while eating "Tagliatelles aux crevettes et aux cèpes" (Tagliatelles with shrimps and mushrooms). If you ever come to Milano, you have to go to a neighbourhood called "Brera" : narrow streets, lit with candle lights, with fortune tellers on the sides, waiting for the clients to come, in front of small tables and chairs. There are both small intimate restaurants and huge crowded cafés, where you can have what the Milanese call an "Aperitivo" (aperitif). It's very popular. You pay six euros (eight dollars) to get in and you can have a drink and eat everything you want : tiny tomatoes with mozarella balls, small sandwiches stuffed with parma ham, small rolls of parma ham filled with fresh basil... If the weather is sunny, eveybody wear sunglasses, even in winter, even if it is freezing. The guys all have what we call, in France, "une barbe de trois jours" ("a 3 days beard"). I've been told that the Italians have a special kind of razor, a "3 days beard" razor, which would explain how they manage to keep their "3 days beard" even after 4 or 5 days. But I didn't check.

See you soon ! Goodbye america !

Comforting food for uncomforting thoughts

This winter, Parisian girls are wearing trousers and boots. The thing is not to wear boots, but to show them. Either their boots are large enough and they can hide their trousers into them, or they have to pull their trousers slightly up the leg. But they never hide the boots. Never. It all started in early september. At the beginning, only a few girls were dressed that way. But now... It's all over Europe. I was in Milano (Milan) a few days agos. The same thing had happened. It's amazing.

By the way, I told you at the very beginning of that diary that Paris was located at the east of Brooklyn. To go to Milano from Brooklyn, you'll have to go first to the east, then to the south, then to the east. It's in the north of Italy, the most industrious part of the country. A lot of industries there, but no oil. Don't send your GI's yet. There's nothing worth dying for, except pizzas, spaghettis, Chianti (red wine) and Lambrusco (red wine, with gas in it, surprising, but nice). We would gladly die for even less than that. But I'm confident that a Republican has different values than ours. He may be willing to sacrifice a few things for a pretzel and a Budweiser - not that we have anything against beer, our President is famous for his taste for Corona beer - , but he won't die for anything except his god, his gun and his constitutionnal right to drive a SUV.

I came back from Milano by the train. Train is a fantastic way of traveling, you should try it again sometimes, it's so much better than the plane. You have the time to read, you can enjoy the view, you don't have any stress and, if it's not too crowded, you can have sex, which is always an important thing to a Frenchman. You can't really have sex on a plane. it's not that romantic. But on a train, you can't help reminding yourself of Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint in Hitchcock's "North by Northwest" :

"Cary Grant : The moment I meet an attractive woman, I have to start pretending I've no desire to make love to her.
- Eva Marie Saint : What makes you think you have to conceal it ?
- Cary Grant : She might find the idea objectionable.
- Eva Marie Saint : Then again, she might not.
- Cary Grant: ...Think how lucky I am to be seated here.
- Eva Marie Saint : Luck had nothing to do with it.
- Cary Grant : Fate?
- Eva Marie Saint : I tipped the steward five dollars to seat you here if you should come in."

When I came back from Milano, I thought of this sadness of yours. And I thought that, maybe, the best thing would be to do as people do in american movies, when they have been betrayed by their loved ones. You can watch all that movies you downloaded illegally from the Internet, when the hero is sad, he very seldom goes to Canada. In fact, he never goes to Canada. Why would he do such a thing ?
Have you ever seen Canada in winter ? It's depressing !
But he might be willing to treat himself to chocolate. And I have just the kind of recipe you might need for the occasion.

It's called "Crêpes au chocolat" (Chocolate Pancakes). You have to do it by the book.

You need : 95 g of flour (it should make 3,3 ounces), 3 spoons and a half of powdered cocoa (Van Houten is the best if you can find it, you need real cocoa, with no sugar added), 1 spoon of sugar, 2 eggs (take them off the fridge one hour before to do the recipe, you'll get better results), 250 g (8,75 ounces) of milk, 30 g (1,05 ounce) of melted butter

First, mix the flour with the powdered cocoa. Use a fork. When it's perfectly mixed, add the sugar. Mix again.

In another plate, mix the two eggs with the milk. When it's done, add the melted butter. The butter must be melted, but it must not be too hot, otherwise it will cook the eggs.

Take the milk/eggs/butter mixture and put it in the flour/cocoa/sugar mixture. Beat the new mixture until it is homogenous.

Than take the plate and hit the bottom of it on the table. It will kill the air bubbles which are inside. It's better to let it rest for one night in the refrigerator. But it's not mandatory. Do as you like.
If you do, though, beat the mixture before using it.

Do the pancakes. Make them very thin. They are better served with powdered sugar and raspberries.

See you soon ! Goodbye America !

Democrats, France welcomes you !

This is Friday. We are on the eve of what we call, as you do, but with a classy french touch, "le week-end" (the week-end). Despite the fact that we are so proud of our own language that we discuss it all the time, we French use many english words in our daily life : "le business" (the business), "le marketing" (the marketing), "un e-mail" (an e-mail), "checker" (to check), "un break" (a break). Sometimes, we borrow whole expressions from you, as in "Chérie, je pense que nous devrions faire un break", which is exactly the same as : "Darling, I think we should take a break from our relationship". Whatever you did to deserve it, in both cases, you know for sure that you are going to be dumped - in France, we use the word "largué" for "dumped". The two words have pretty much the same meaning. I guess some things never change.
Our specialists think that about 3 % of the 35 000 words an average Frenchman knows come from the English, which makes approximately 1000 words. We use 1000 of your words. That makes 1000 good reasons to try to understand you Americans.

The English language is so beautiful to hear... "Now that the winter of our discontent has been made glorious summer by this sun of York". This is from Richard III, by Shakespeare.
Note to the Republicans : Richard III is a very positive character, he lies, he kills, he cheats on everybody, he even pretends to be a Christian Man and to live by God's word in order to seize power. You would love him. He is english, though, as was Shakespeare. You couldn't possibly vote him for President. Note to the Democrats : well, you already know who Richard III is, don't you ?

In fact, we love English so much that, a few days ago, our government declared that it would be soon mandatory for our children to learn it as their first foreign language, so that it would be easier for them to get a job. That's what our (conservative) government thinks.
When I was a child, the "good students" were told to learn German as their first foreign language, because it was so difficult. And the same students were also told to learn Latin as their third foreign language, for the same reason. I never fully understood that system. You can teach a child a language. But he won't speak it properly unless he comes to love it, somehow, for whatever reason makes him feel close to it. It may be the music of it. It may be his personal background. Maybe he will chose to learn Russian, as some of my friends did, whose families originated from Russia. And why not ? They do have a job now.

We are debating that language thing right now. And we are still worrying about you. If you want to leave the country, of course, you can go to Canada. But, please, don't forget France. We already have Democrats. But we can always use some more !

See you soon ! Goodbye America !

Everybody is sorry

Paris is said to be one the most beautiful cities in the world. Living here, you've sometimes got the impression that you live in a museum. If you get bored on a sunday, you can go walking from the Eiffel Tower (1889) to the Louvre museum (1190), then crossing the Ponts des arts bridge (1804) over the river Seine, then go to Saint Germain des Prés, a very old section of the town, quite typical, with cobbledstones, very old elegant buildings, the oldest church in Paris (540), fashionable girls with neverending legs.
Numerous tragedies happened in Paris. Wars, civil wars, riots, revolutions... Thousands and thousands of people were killed. We can never forget them. We live with the deads. We commune we them, as the witch says in this very beautiful movie by Clint Eastwood, "Midnight in the garden of good of evil" (1).

When I visited your country for the first time, I got scared. I was not scared of the "big" thing : big buildings, big cars, big streets, big mac. Big, big, big, big. America is a midget's dream come true. Everything is so big that it makes you feel big. What scared me was the lack of anything old. In every city, you had this strong impression that the country had been built from scratch during the Fifties. I went to Los Angeles, Denver, Austin, San Antonio, Miami... My worst experience was in San Antonio. There is an imitation of Venice there, which is really depressing. It looks european. The restaurants look europeans. But it's all new. It's all fake. It's strange to see a part of your culture turned into a kind of theme park for adults. It also distressed me that it was pretty much the only place to go in San Antonio, the only place of the city where you could really enjoy walking.

Once, I met an american couple there, who invited me to one of their spots. They told me it would be "truly" american. They took me to a mall. There was a huge restaurant there, with mexican decorations. There were a lot of families sitting, chatting, laughing. And it was very friendly. Despite the fact that it was in a mall and that the restaurant was so huge, I felt almost at home. I tasted a meal they call "Chicken fried steack". Do you know what a "chicken fried steack" is ? Apparently, the texan cow boys eventually got bored of eating their beef cooked on the grill. They decided to try to cook it like a piece of chicken. As you know, there are many, many ways to cook a piece of chicken. But, unfortunately, they could only think of one : the Chicken Mc Nuggets way. Deep-fried and coated in gravy. Beef Mc Nuggets. A true american experience.

I've been on a very moving website lately, thanks to one of you. You should see it : http://www.sorryeverybody.com
At first, I must say I found it rather childish. But, as I went through the pictures, I felt tears coming. And that was good. Like being, all of a sudden, closer to you than ever.

See you soon ! Goodbye America !





(1) "If you want to understand the livings, you have to commune with the deads".

How to cook Freedom Lotte Fish

A few Americans know that there is an "American" side to French Cuisine. What we call the cuisine "à l'américaine" . We have numerous meals named that way : lobster "à l'américaine", chicken "à l'américaine", crab "à l'américaine", green peas "à l'américaine", tuna "à l'américaine"... If George W. Bush takes on invading Iran or Jordania or Switzerland - no oil there, but a lot of banks, and that's where the money is ! -, we will eventually rename these meals to "freedom lobster", "freedom chicken", "freedom crab" or "freedom tuna"... And we will serve them with regular french fries.

These meals are no more american than we are. But they do use what we consider to be "typical" american products, that is : rice, tuna, corn and, most of all, tomato sauce. We identify tomato sauce as typically american because of ketchup. Needless to say, we never use ketchup. We use canned tomato sauce or, even better, canned fresh tomatoes.

But let's look at an example. Let's try to cook a lotte fish "à l'américaine". Or let's call it a "Freedom Lotte".
This is very easy and very good. There's only one tough part. But, as Lauren Bacall says to Humprey Bogart at the end of "The Big Sleep", "nothing you can't fix" (1).

For two people, you need : two slices of lotte fish, some flour, 1 glass of olive oil, a small glass of rhum (use the glass you use for vodka), 2 glasses of white wine, 1 can of fresh tomatoes, fresh cream, pepper, chili pepper, salt, 4 slices of bread.

Start by taking off the lotte the fishbones and the skin. Cut each slice in two. Put some flour on a plate. Roll the lotte into the flour. The lotte must be covered by flour.

Put the olive oil in a large pan. Put maximum heat. When the oil is very hot put the lotte in. Wait for the lotte to change coulour and turn to golden. Then put the rhum in, quickly take the pan off the stove, put it on a table or any other safe location, light the rhum with a match.

This is the tough part. You must be very quick. The lotte must be very hot when you light the match, otherwise the rhum won't burn. Burning the rhum actually makes the alcohol go away. Only the taste of the rhum must remain, but not the alcohol. Otherwise, it will taste awful.

Let the rhum burn for one minute. Then cover the lotte with 2 glasses of white wine (it will kill the flames) and a large spoon of fresh tomatoes, a pinch of pepper, very few chili pepper (take a knife, put some chili pepper at the end of the blade and that's enough). Put the heat at a minimum. Do not cover the pan. Leave it for thirty minutes. At the end, when the sauce starts to get thick, put a spoon of fresh cream, keep mixing the cream with the sauce for a minute or two - don't let it boil or it will be spoiled -, and take it off the stove. It's done. You can serve it with rice, as you Americans love it.

If you have time, put some olive oil in another pan, put the heat at a maximum. When the oil is very hot, put four slices of bread in it. Take them off when they are nearly burned. You can do that in advance. When the lotte is done, you will just take the lotte and put some of it on each slice of bread.

To be successful, it's important that you use use olive oil (any other kind of oil won't do) and fresh fish.

See you soon ! Goodbye America !

(1) "What's wrong with you kid ?
- Nothing you can't fix"

They reelected Nero

There are six national TV networks in France, apart from the cable and the satellite. The main one is TF1. It's a private network owned by the construction company Bouygues, which is close to our local conservatives. The second network by the number of viewers is France 2, a state-owned channel. Then come France 3 (state-owned), M6 (private), Canal Plus (private) and Arte (state-owned). Arte is a french-german channel broadcasting high quality documentaries, shakespearian plays, intellectual movies and stuff. Ask any frenchman, he will tell you that the only TV network he ever watches is Arte. Look at the ratings, you'll see that only 5 % of the population actually make the effort. The other 95 % are tuned on local adaptations of "Survivor", "The bachelor", "Big brother" and so on. A true frenchman will never confess to watching reality TV.

On November 2d, in France, 17 million people were tuned on their TV, anxious to know the outcome of the presidential election in the US. The news were broadcasted live from Washington. And then... It was like the end of the world. George W. Bush. George W. Bush... The guy our medias kept picturing for monthes as a complete moron, an outright liar, a puppet for the oil companies. We read book after book exposing this guy as a fraud. We laughed at his illiteracy. We heard him with disbelief posing as a religious zealot.

Never were we so moved, never did we feel so concerned by the outcome of an american presidential election as on November 2d. This was like watching the Romans reelecting Nero after the burning of Rome. This was not happening.

Since then, we wait for the next blow to come. There are talks of an american invasion of Iran. Or will "they" decide to attack Jordania ? Is there oil in Jordania ? And what if "they" don't even bother to lie this time ? What if "they" just say : "this is ours, we take it" ? What will we do ? What can we do ?

See you soon ! Goodbye America !

The Days After

Of all the american film directors, the most fascinating for the french public is certainly Roland Eimmerich. Roland Eimmerich : "Independance Day", "The Day After"... Remember ?
Now, you may be surprised. French have a reputation for watching intellectual movies with intricated love stories. There's nothing of the sort in Eimmerich's works. No woman ever cheat on her disabled husband by prostituting herself for pleasure in a suburbian brothel like our leading actress, Catherine Deneuve (an icy blonde), did in one of our most acclaimed movies ever, "Belle de jour" ("Daylight Beauty"). In Eimmerich's movies, there's no time for sex. This is all about saving the world.
One may think that you can both have sex AND save the world, like John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton did their best to do. But, apparently, Eimmerich doesn't share that view.

What is really fascinating for a frenchman in "Independance Day" and "The Day After", apart from their lack of sex, is how your president reacts to the situation. Your president is awesome. In "Independance Day", he jumps in a fighter plane and leads the final attack against the aliens. We tried our best to picture our own president doing that, but, well... The french president, Jacques Chirac, was born in 1932. Yes, he's 72 years old ! We are confident that he has his driver's licence. But I don't think that he would do too well on a plane. Unless you can attack an alien spaceship with the automatic pilot on.

In "The Day After", your president refuses to leave the White House although the East Coast is under attack by a deadly ice storm. He dies there and the vice-president has to take commands. The vice-president, who had the time to fly to an unknown country in the Middle-East (Irak ?), then publicly apologizes on TV to his fellow Americans for he was the one who refused to sign the Kyoto Protocol on climate change in the first place. Now, I must say that Roland Eimmerich is taking it a bit too far.

I don't want to be unpleasant. But remember what George W. Bush did on September 11 ? He disappeared. During the time of the attack, he was flying all over the United States, for fear he might be killed by the bloody terrorists ! I can guess what he would do in front of a massive ice storm. He would do exactly what our president would do : he would run like hell ! What is true is that George W. Bush refused to sign the Kyoto Protocol on climate change. Our president did. But we've got much smaller cars.

In "The Day After", by the time the vice-president speaks, the United States don't exist anymore. The whole population has fled to Mexico. The Mexicans are generous people and they don't have too much of a memory. The American refugees are gladly welcomed. At least, now they know where their jobs have gone. But the real question is : on what TV channel is the vice-president's speech broadcasted ? The irakian TV ? There are no american medias anymore. And who will watch him ? Guess what, most of the time, the refugee camps don't have cable TV ! But it doesn't matter. Whenever an american politician has to speak, he does it on TV. Even if there's nobody left to watch him.

See you soon ! Goodbye America !

Who cared about Kerry ?

At six thirty, I quit the office. At seven, I buy some food and I start cooking. I love cooking. Parisians have a very good web site where they exchange recipes and criticize them. Of course, it's in french, but it's worth the effort : http://www.marmiton.org. I recommend the "Tagine d'agneau aux pruneaux". Try it and tell me.
In the US, you can only find "low fat" butter, "low fat" cream, industrial meat, sold in huge commercial centers, as ugly as hospitals are. It's impossible to cook anything with such products. No wonder why the good restaurants are so expensive.
Is it a republican thing ? Feed the population with rubbish, so as to keep it angry and ready to go to war, like the roman emperors did with their army in the first century BC ?

A few days after George W. Bush's reelection, one of the main concerns here in Paris is about world's safety. People in the streets actually fear that George W. Bush and his followers could lead us to a 3rd world war. They fear US foreign policy to an extent that was never known before. Beforehand, there were only leftist groups ritually exposing Washington's wrongdoings. Now, about everybody has an opinion.

We don't understand what happened. The french press says that Kerry didn't offer any hope to the american population, other than getting rid of its actual president. But didn't we all do the same mistake ? Everything was centered around Bush, what he said or didn't say, what he did or didn't do. I've got two bushisms books on my shelves. They have been translated into french and sold in a cheap edition - a huge success. But who cared about Kerry ?

See you soon ! Goodbye America !

First Post

I am writing to you from Paris, France. Georges W. Bush has just been reelected. We heard that Georges W. Bush has a nephew that would like to become a politician too. A nephew... See what I mean ? We tried the hereditary system a few centuries ago. And we weren't too pleased with it. So it's high time that we communicate.

All you need to know about France is that it is located at the east of Brooklyn and approximately the size of Texas. The size is all we have in common with Texas. We have no oil, or very little. We considered it to be a problem before you invaded Iraq. Now, thinking about it, our situation is not so bad. We have much cows, but our farmers don't jump on them for fun. Neither do they play harmonica while shooting indians. They shoot people from time to time, but only for sensible reasons, such as protesting against the bad weather conditions. And they only aim at agents of the state.

We have electricity. We drink water at the tape. We drive in cars. We wear clothes. We don't wear "bérets" (you know, the funny flat hat) anymore, except in american movies. That's true, we still eat "baguettes". A "baguette" is a long piece of bread, approximately the size of a woman's arm and as round and large. We eat it at every meal, from morning to dinner. Just picture a pretty girl eating the top of a "baguette" while exiting a "boulangerie" (bakery) and you'll get the point. Now, picture the same girl eating the top of a pack of Harry's bread. Not the same.

We speak french. I only speak english so that we can communicate.


See you soon ! Goodbye america !